Today is a day just like most others for me. I have piles of laundry on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink. The antique furniture needs dusting, the floors need sweeping and the beds need changing. I have piles of stuff in so many corners and can't find the desire or motivation to pick anything up.
Here's what I do OK. If something is in my way just to keep from throwing it away I will move it all over the house. Even if it is a useless pile of junk. Why? We have a nice home, but I hate the way it looks because of my hoarding (and my husband's collecting!)
My husband went thru my cabinet where I house my cookbooks and school notes from 3 years ago. He took it upon himself to throw away my notes and other items I may need in the future for something. So I proceeded to remove what I wanted from the trash and put them back in their rightful place. He saw no logic in the whole thing. I don't either really. What was I thinking? Why do I have a hard time discerning what is trash and what is treasure?
Together we have accumulated meaningless clutter that is cluttering our lives and our minds. I can't think straight enough to put a creative word on paper because of the mess that surrounds me that is smothering me.
I put on a wonderful mask at church and in public. I make it a point not to get too close to anyone for fear they will reject me because of my messy house. I wonder though sometimes if I may be hoarding to protect myself from rejection. I know what it is like to be rejected. I was rejected by someone close to me. A person who was supposed to protect me betrayed me. A person I trusted completely tore my heart right out of me.
I guess I am building a wall of clutter to keep people out, not just out of my home but out of my heart. It is a painful thing to be hurt by someone who was supposed to love you and keep you safe.
Very slowly God is showing me and guiding me. I am seeing a wonderful Christian counselor. I wrestled for years with the thought of seeing a Christian professional. I did go once with my husband. He really did not want to be there so we quit. I went over a year after that telling myself I could just put the hurt away for awhile. If I was gonna go back then it would have to be God sending me. I even prayed and said "God If you want me to go then send me to someone I can pour my heart out to and really understands what I am going through." The first day I walked in my hands were cold and I wanted to turn around and run out the door. I didn't though. I truly believe I was meant to meet this special person. I have been able to share with her the hurt and pain I have experienced. I have never been able to feel like I could freely talk to someone about the pain I have shoved into a bottle. I thought I put the lid on tight enough.
I know I am broken. I know I can't do this on my own. I need God. For way too long I put him last. I tucked his word in between the piles of Guideposts I never read (I had good intentions) but just can't seem to throw away. The clutter has become almost like a security blanket that has become so torn it has done it's purpose.
I am a life worth saving. God created me for a purpose much greater than what the clutter can do for me. I know he has a plan and future for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says he does: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. and I believe it! He has a divine plan for all of us. His words says in Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I am a work in progress. I am under construction. I am God's girl and no one can take that away from me!
If only one person reads this who needs to make a commitment to God or even recommit your life then my prayer is for you to ask God right now into your heart. He is waiting for you. He stands at the door and knocks. Will you let him in? He wants you. He loves you. Choose him.
"There is no pit so deep God's love is not deeper still"- Corrie Ten Boom
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